The journey to Toronto: Lost in Translation II (Stolen from Blake Cooper)

During Winter Break Nick, wife (Katie), Blake and myself went to Toronto for the day. Well, this was one crazy day!

The Pick-Up

I wait at home expecting Nick to come at 9:30 like he said, wow, was I wrong. Nick didn’t come until 10 - 10:30 ish. Then we had to go to the bank. Then to the mall, and then we were finally on the way… until the group of Katie’s friends decided we needed to stop off at the first possible exit on the thruway. All I had to say here was wow you people are so gay!

The Border

As we approached USA jr. Nick didn’t read the directions carefully and we stopped a little father than we should. This is when we meet our new friend, Canadian Gatekeeper. He was this bald guy with sunglasses, he sort of resembled BNL drummer and fellow Canadian Tyler Stewart. He had this pissed look on his face and says to Nick, “You’re not off to a whiz bang start with me.” Man, I thought he was not gonna let us cross this border. So after a huge ass raping, we were on our way to a Tim Horton’s / Wendy’s / Pizza Pizza. Now let me side track Tim Horton’s is owned by Wendy’s, which is the official fast food restaurant of the National Hockey League (NHL). For fellow hockey fans and Canadians, Tim Horton was the star defenseman for the Toronto Maple Leafs about three decades ago. He was an entrenpenuer during the off season, but most of his businesses failed. However he told someone about an idea for a donut shop. Sadly, when playing for the Buffalo Sabres, Tim died in a car accident. The donut shop became a reality and is a Canadian staple and is now invading the U.S. similar to the Beatles invasion. However the Horton family recieves no payment from the Dave Thomas owned shops and Tim Horton’s hometown didn’t get a franchise until 1994, a sad injustice to a defenseman known for his bear hug, but know by donut fans for his bear claw. Might I digress…

The Great Gatzby

I used the bathroom facility and couldn’t help but notice the shoddy quality of the water fixtures in Canada. One stall and urinal were out of order. A faucet was broken and none of the hand dryers worked! Talk about your pieces of shite. The worst part was the food. Don’t get me wrong, butr Dave knows how to make a fry and nugget, but the prices damn near tapped me out! All the 99 cent stuff in Canada is $1.39, huge disparity in price. The final tally in America would have been like $5.27 but in Canada it’s like $7.48 talk about a rip off!

As we traveled through Canada we noticed some amazing things:

We traveled on Route 350 (pronounced three fiddy)

Most people resemble members of the Bare Naked Ladies. In fact one guy looked like a cross between Ed Robertson and Tyler Stewart.

Might I add that the Canadian Gatekeeper was sent by the Arabian Lady to stop our fun, because she is evil in a succubus form.

Canadian bread- it must be better than America bread.

Katie: “What am I badass now?” I don’t know why I worte that down, sounded funny I guess.

As we continued to travel we called Katie’s friends, who told us to meet them at the CN tower. We somehow managed to not find them at the CN tower, sons of bitches. Let’s just say we separated oursleves away from them.

We pretty much wasted our time and money at the Eaton Centre (correct spelling despite how much Microsoft Word hates to see you use it.) The Fag five or seven or how many there were somewhere we weren’t which was good, until we almost encountered them at the hip store Urban Outfitters. I’ll admit the place was kinda cool but something’s were downright gay, I’ll stick to my AE and A and F and but buy my house wares and décor at Target.

I found myself at a dilemma at the music/movie store, HMV. With the forty something-Canadian dollars in my wallet, I had to burn it. However I didn’t have enough dough for the 1972 Summit Series, which is only available in Canada. For those who are uneducated, the Summit Series was the “Cold War” on ice. The Canadians played the Soviets in an eight game series which Canada won courtesy of a Paul Henderson goal, making him a Canadian hero from there on out. So I had to decide over two different Three Dog Night CDs and a Joe Walsh CD. I got one of the Three Dog Night CDs and the Walsh. For those who don’t know that great music comes from these guys. Joe Walsh is one of my dad’s favorite musicians because he’s from Euclid, suburb of Cleveland. As we walked out of the store, some black guys tried to exploit $20 from Nick and Blake. I also saw some guy yelling racial slurs at another black guy, praying that he wouldn’t beat him to death.

So after all this spending and requesting Katie to give Nick a “road privilege” we attempted to leave Toronto, but failed numerous times until I pointed us away. We went to the Fridays at Clifton Hill where I acquired a Canada visor. I was totally tapped there after spending $11.00 on a chicken tender platter that cost $5.00 in the US at good ol Denny’s. Wow what a tourist trap! So then we left and headed…

Back to the US Back to the US Back to the USSSSSAAAAAA!

We finally found the border after traveling in circles for 10 minutes. At the border the guy checked our Ids and commented on how young Wife looked, which was relieving and kind of creepy at the same time. But oh well we were back! Back to our super sized fries, democracy and Must See TV! God Bless the Internet!