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Guerilla Radio!
Proven fact: radio sucks. Here's some ways to make it not suck.

The other day I was listening to the radio, which I do from time to time. Where I work, we spend a lot of time driving from one location to another, so I hear a lot of radio, actually.

When I’m in charge of the radio, I usually try to listen to some form of classic rock, because I find that they usually play the most amount of good music and the least amount of bad music/commercials (particularly 95.1 FM, the fox, and 107.7, the lake).

Anyway, I heard this commercial on one station that baffled my mind. It was a commercial on the radio…for the radio. They were advertising radio on the radio. This didn’t make any sense to me. To make things worse, the voice in the commercial was that annoying guy from Hoobastank. The commercial went something like this:

"Hi, I’m that guy from Hoobastank. Back when you didn’t know who we were, you heard us on the radio. Now you now who we are, and it’s all because of the radio, so listen to the radio."

The first thing I thought was, why the hell does the radio need to advertise on the radio? The reason people listen to mainstream radio stations are usually because they’re in their car, and don’t have a CD player. So basically, radio has come to become a sort of last resort to thousands of people, which sounds bad, but in a way is not; this means they have a loyal audience.

What they’re worried about is satellite radio. The combination of satellite radio becoming more affordable, having better choices for music and talk radio (specifically, Howard Stern), has normal radio, or ‘terrestrial radio’ scared shitless. And with good reason. But if radio wants more fans, the way to get them isn’t by putting commercials on their stations featuring singers from shitty bands selling their souls to promote the most rigid and stagnant form of media there is.

Here’s an idea: if radio wants more fans, they should play more/better music. And if it sounds impossible to pull off the combination risk of playing less commercials while taking risks on bands that might not be as well known but are equally or more talented than the bands on the top 40 stations, it’s not. Here’s a simple way to do it:

Step one: Stop sucking up to Clear Channel/big record labels. The problem with mainstream radio rotation is that it’s too rigid, and the only way for it to change is to stop leeching from big record labels, only playing the promos they send and promoting the artists they say. Those types of artists are bought and paid for, and all their promotion comes from the label. They are in no way hurting for promotion, and therefore will play your show and do your promo contests and stuff—if they get paid. There’s the difference. If you get up and coming talent with equally or better music, they’ll probably do your promo stuff for free, because they’re hurting for promotion. So let’s see how it stacks up, shitty artists that demand a lot of money for your promotional setups, versus good artists who will probably play your promotional show for free. The answer should be obvious, and it takes us to step two.

Step two. Stop sucking up to advertisers. With all the money you save using up and coming talent who’ll play for less, you can probably cut down on commercials, which might be good considering the amount of commercials on mainstream radio are reaching a ridiculous amount. If radio stations put the following plan into effect, they can cut down on commercials and get more people to listen.

Step three. Stop underestimating the intelligence of your audience with stupid morning talk radio. One thing I’m sure everyone is sick of are stupid morning jocks trying to follow in Howard Stern’s footsteps by attempting to be edgy but only coming off like shouting, obnoxious idiots. If you’re going to have a morning show, don’t shout at me, for god sakes. That’s one thing Howard Stern rarely does: shout. This might be a clue as to why people enjoy listening to him. He could say anything he wants, as long as he says it at a normal volume. You don’t have to shout and use annoying props to get people’s attention. Don’t treat listeners like they’re idiots that are only listening to you because they have to, try to cater to them like they want to be there. And then maybe they will be.

Blake Cooper is the managing editor of Quadraphonic Magazine, as well as a contributing writer. He is planning to attend Harris Institue for the Arts starting March 2005 for Music Engineering and Production. His latest music purchases were three Microphones albums off of eBay for ten dollars each.

Copyright (C) 2005 Quadraphonic.