Picking Colleges... the Seth Pohorence Way
by Seth Pohorence, SYP staff writer,
co-genius
Well, when you become a senior, you have already
been bombarded with numerous college letters and not to mention armed forces.
Well, using my mutiple step process, you will be able to determine what college
is right for you.
Step 1: Location
Oh man, this is very important. Location, like in the real estate world, is extremely important. If any are from New York, New York, terminate immediately. Don’t be fooled by the pretty pictures, the college is in the slums of New York, most likely Harlem. Ok, there are a few good New York college (I use the term loosly), but those who are reading this are obviously poor. I calculate that readers are in the Bill Boyle income bracket, extremely poor white trash with no chance of success outside of college. Also, look out for those colleges that are actually in NYC but disguise the location as a different name like Brooklyn or New Jersey. Also, if the brochure says “minutes away from NYC”, that means it’s right outside of your dorm window and that bullets will possible go through the window and kill you.
Step 2: Look at the pictures
The best way to find the college that’s right for you is to look at the pictures and find one of a student that looks like you. There reasoning behind that, is that it’s most likely an evil twin look alike that is older than you. Therefore you must go to that school so you can defeat your evil twin in a hard fought battle.
Step 3:Know your major
Some colleges will give you different, very
specific majors. If brochures have majors like Women’s History, it’s most
likely one where you protest ‘Nam and burn bras for a semester, so therefore,
your future is screwed. Also, similar to African American studies, you’ll turn
into destined for Black Power and want to “kill Whitey”. Also, majors like
creative writing means, English but yet, it’s not as fun as it seems.
Step 4: Don’t listen to your guidance counselor
Trust me, if I had listened to mine, would I be
writing this right now. Guidance counselors are failures in life and they want
you to be as naïve as they were at your age. If they say John, you say Wayne,
If they say Coke, you say –caine.
Step 5: Actually Visit Colleges
Go there and look especially at several things, you living quarters and those around you. Also ask questions, but ask the right questions:
If the answer to 7 is 2:1 then, this college is
for you, believe in The Law of Two Girls for Every Guy. Also, going to a mostly
girl college has it’s advantages. One, since there are few males, the females,
who are smart to begin with, will believe that the men are very sensitive, very,
in-touch-with-their-feminine-side-guy. So there for the chastity belt is
removed. So like Shaq… take it to the hole. Two, again the Two girls for every
guy law is enacted. Three don’t be afraid, there’s a little bit of Otter in
all of us, you just gotta embrace it!
Step 6: Look at Liberal Arts Colleges
It’s obvious that they’ll be easy on
punishment. I mean when you put the word “liberal’ in the description in
your college, it’s obvious that they’ll be strict on anything.
Step 7: (Most Importantly) Buy a paper shredder
Now, let me explain, with all this new junk mail
coming to your door, in your name, you’ll need to dispose this with fun.
Nothing is more fun than tearing college letters with a little help from Mr.
Shredder. He must be fed weekly, cuz, he has an appetite.