School Shopping for Wusses and Lesser Wimps
    A Cooper/Pohorence Joint

                            Okay, here's the strait dope y'all on buying school supplies. We know it's difficult know exactly what to buy, but one thing's for certain: always buy fancy, expensive sh*t, as often as not with the name of someone famous on it. This is important, so to make sure you don't screw it up we've offered a safe, user-friendly guide on school shopping for the modern man... or woman... or whatever... just read it.

Step One: Never Buy Anything Average

 
Courtesy Old Navy

    Most importantly, avoid things labeled 'regular' or 'original' (which is just a nice way of saying 'boring'). Things like this can be generally hazardous to your health, due to poor craftsmanship and strange, Korean worksmanship. Also, they can be extremely hazardous to your social life. Just think about it: would a girl really want to sleep with a guy wearing 'regular' jeans, that only cost $20?!? I think not.

Step Two: Buy things with celebrity names on them, regardless of whether or not they belong there.

Next, whenever possible, try to buy celebrity endorsed products, such as these Shaquille 'Shaq' O'Neil brand shoes. With endorsements everybody wins: you get a quality product that will passively associate you with someone famous, and someone famous gets millions in endorsements. Beautiful!

Step Three: Think of... EVERYTHING!!!

Yes, it probably won't matter if you're wearing five dollar old navy briefs... but it might, and as the boy scouts say... always be prepared (always be prepared is a registered trademark of boy scouts of America and boy scouts inc. all rights reserved). So get rid of those nasty undergarments and grab yourself some high quality shit...i'm talkin' snow whites! Hellz yes!

... okay, now that you know the rules, it's time to pick out some obvious buys for the school year. get these items, and you'll be sure to prosper!

Uni-ball 4-Pen pack.... with FREE GUM!!!

You need pens, and everyone could use some gum? So why the hell not, maybe you could visit Willy Wonka and high acid dropping pals?

Book Sox... I guess...

These are great for.... hmmm..... we're not really sure what these are for. Just buy them.  Not to be used on books or feet.

...and finally, a complete home office with furniture, computer, telephone.

Total cost: $2400. Sooooooo worth it. And they say the cost of edumacation ares exspensive!